新概念英语笑话大全
死后重生
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied."Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.
“你相信人能死后重生吗?”老板问他的一个员工。 “我相信，先生”。这位刚上班不久的员工回答。 “哦，那还好”。老板接着说。 “你昨天提早下班去参加你祖母的葬礼后，她老人家到这儿看你来了。”
他什么都没听到
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages." "What is it?" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid."
我在邮局上班，对于顾客们的各种情绪早已习以为常了。所以，有一天当一个生气的顾客气冲冲地来到我的工作台时，我还是非常平静地问她，“有什么问题吗?”“我早上上街了，”女顾客说，“我回到家的时候，我看到一个卡片，卡片说邮递员要给我们家送包裹，但没人在家。可是我的丈夫整个早上都在家啊。他说他什么都没听到”。在表示了歉意之后，我把包裹给了她。“噢，太好了”，那位女顾客喜形于色。“我们等这东西都等多少年了!”“是什么好东西?”我问。“我丈夫的新助听器”。
有效
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
汤姆早上老起不来，所以上班总是迟到。他的老板非常生气，警告他如果他不能有所改善的话就炒他的鱿鱼。于是，汤姆去看医生，医生给了他一颗药丸并告诉他要在睡觉前服下这颗药。汤姆照医生的话做了，睡得非常之好，事实上，他在早上闹钟响之前就起来了。汤姆从容不迫地吃完早餐，然后兴高采烈地开车上班去了。 “老板”，汤姆说，“那药真管用，我的睡眠好极了!” “是够管用的，”老板说，“问题是，昨天你人哪去了”?
两个笨贼
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13 th floor!" The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!"
两个盗贼在一家旅馆偷东西。第一个说：“我听到警报响了，快跳吧!” 第二个说：“但是我们现在在第13层啊!” 第一个尖叫着回敬他：“都什么时候了，还这么迷信!”
结婚的花费
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
小男孩问他的父亲：“爸爸，结婚要花多少钱?”
His father replied, "I don't know, son, because I'm still paying for it now."
他的父亲回答说：“儿子，我不知道，因为我现在还在为它付账呢。”
理发师
Harry: "My big brother shaves every day."
哈里：“我哥哥每天都刮脸。”
Henry: "My brother shaves fifty times a day."
亨利：“我哥哥每天刮50次脸。”
Harry: "Is he crazy?"
哈里：“他疯了吗?”
Henry: "No, he's a barber."
亨利：“没有，他是一名理发师。”
年少无知
Jimmy is three years old.
吉米3岁了。
One day, he was gazing out of the window when the night fell. He suddenly shouted, "Mum, mum, come close the window!"
一天，他正在窗口观望，夜幕降临。他突然喊道：“妈妈，妈妈，快来关窗!”
"Why? It's not cold, sonny."
“为什么?天不冷呀，宝贝。”
"Yes, mum, but the night will come inside."
“是的，妈妈，可黑夜会进来。”
快速靠岸
A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday." A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location." "I-75, two miles south of Standish." After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"
在休伦湖钓完鱼后，我的一个朋友开车拖着他的船回家。路上车坏了。 他没带手机，不过，他想，也许他可以通过海事无线广播来请求公路援助。 于是，他爬到他的.船里面，启动了无线装置，喊道，“求救，求救”。一名海岸护卫队警官作出了回应，“报告你的位置”。“I-75号公路，Standish的南面两英里”。沉默了好一会之后，警官问我的朋友，“你的船靠岸时开得有多快?”
冰箱里的小兔子
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves, "What are you doing in there?" she asked.
一位女士打开冰箱门，发现一只兔子坐在其中的一层隔板上，就问它：“你在那里做什么?”
The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
兔子回答：“这是Westinghouse对不对?”(Westinghouse，西屋电气公司)
The lady confirmed, "Yes."
女士确认道：“没错。”
"Well," the rabbit said,"I'm westing."
兔子说：“那就对了，我就是要往西边去。”
Rabbit: Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?
兔子：你确信这瓶特制胡萝卜汁能治好我的病?
Doctor: Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another.
医生：当然咯，凡是喝过的兔子没有一只来要第二瓶的。
Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from?
兔宝宝：妈咪，我是从哪儿来的呢?
Mother Rabbit: I'll tell you when you're older.
兔妈妈：等你长大点再告诉你。
Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now.
兔宝宝：噢妈咪，现在就告诉我吧，求您了。
Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you were pulled from a magician's hat.
兔妈妈：如果你一定要知道，那我告诉你你是从魔术师的帽子里被拽出来的。
我们分享一切
An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries.
一对老夫妇在汉堡王餐厅吃饭，他们小心翼翼地将汉堡和薯条分成两份。
A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.
一个卡车司机非常同情他们，就提议想给老太太单独点一份。
"It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything."
“没关系的。”老先生说，“我们分享一切。”
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite.
几分钟后，卡车司机注意到老太太还没动口吃一点东西。
"I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal," he insists.
他再次对老先生说，“我真的不介意请您妻子吃一顿……”
"She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything."
“她会吃的，”老先生向他保证，“我们分享一切。”
Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, "Why aren't you eating?"
司机不太相信，恳求老太太，“你为什么不吃一点?”
The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!"
老太太咂咂嘴，“我在等他的假牙。”
I Am Going to Shop 我要去购物啦
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
我帮来购物的女士包好东西后，问道：“是付现金、支票还是记账呢?” 当她找钱包的时候，我注意到她的包包里竟放着一个电视遥控器。
“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
我问：“你一直都随身带电视遥控器的吗?”
“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”
她回答说：“不是啦。但我老公不乐意跟我一起来购物，所以我决定拿走他的遥控器来惩罚他。”
At a Department Store 在百货商店里
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”
一个结巴壮汉走进一家百货公司问柜员：“男……男装部在……在哪儿?”
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
柜台后的柜员看着他不搭话。
The man repeats himself, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him.
那男人又重复道：“男装……装部在……在哪儿?”柜员还是不理他。
The guy asks several more times, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
壮汉问了好几遍柜员依旧如故。最后，壮汉气冲冲地走了。
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “Why wouldn’t you answer that guy’s questions?”
排在后面的顾客问那个柜员：“你怎么不答人家话呀?”
The clerk answers, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”
柜员说：“你……你觉着我……我想找打……打是吧!?”
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