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诙谐爆笑英语笑话
最希望得到的签名
Our university newspaper runs a weekly question feature. Recently, the question was: "Whose autograph would you most want to have, and why?" As expected, most responses mentioned music or sports stars, or politicians. The best response came from a freshman, who said, "The person who signs my diploma."
我们大学的校报开办了一个每周一问的专栏。上周的问题是：“你最想要什么人的签名?为什么?”和预计的一样，大部分的回答都是歌星、体育明星或者政治家。但是，最优秀的答案来自一个一年级新生，他说：“在我毕业证上签字的那个人。”
记得这几天不要抽烟
A much worried patient walked into doctor's office asking for help: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. I accidentally drank a bottle of gasoline yesterday!"
"Oh, Don't worry! All you have to remember is not to smoke in the next few days!" The doctor replied.
候诊室里坐着一位忧心忡忡的病人，当医生传唤他时，他满面愁容的说：“医生，怎么办?我昨天误喝下一瓶汽油!”
医生回答他说：“喔，没关系啦!记得这几天不要抽烟!”
最丑的孩子?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
一位女士抱着她的宝宝上公交车，司机看到后说：“额，那是我这辈子见过的最丑的小孩。”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
女士走到车厢后面坐下，感到很愤怒。她对旁边的男士说：“司机刚刚羞辱了我。”男士回应说：“你快上去斥责他。去吧，我替你抱着你的猴子。”
成功的关键
One day a father was teaching his son and said, "The keys to your success are keeping your word and cleverness. Once you give somebody a promise, you must carry it out on matter what will happen. This is called 'keeping one's words.'"
"What is cleverness?" asked his son.
"Cleverness is that you'll never make such a promise," the father answered.
一天，父亲教育儿子说：“一个人成功的关键就是严守诺言和足够聪明。一旦你给了别人承诺，无论发生什么事，你都得实现它，这个就叫‘守诺言’。”
儿子问：“那么什么是聪明呢?”
父亲回答：“聪明就是任何时候都别做这样的承诺。”
一分钟一百万
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second."
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
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