爆笑英语笑话笑破你的肚子

　　一个律师打开他的宝马车门，突然一辆汽车驶过来把门撞飞了，警察赶到现场，律师正痛苦地抱怨毁坏了他心爱的宝马。

　　“警察同志，看看他们把我的车弄的!!!”律师哀怨地说。

　　“你们律师真是物质至上，我很不舒服!”警察反驳说，“你这么关心你可恶的宝马，你可能没有注意到你的左胳膊也没了。”

　　律师终于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的劳力士手表在哪儿?”

　　A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

　　"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

　　"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

　　2 《狗住旅店》

　　一个人给一家他计划在假期里停留的小旅馆写了封信，“我非常希望带着我的狗，它很干净很有教养，你能允许它和我睡一间屋子吗?”

　　旅馆主人立即回了封信，“我经营旅馆很多年了，狗从没偷过毛巾，床单， 餐具，或者墙上的画。我也从没有在半夜因为狗喝醉胡闹而赶走它，狗也从不不付帐就跑掉。实际上我们非常欢迎您的狗来我们旅馆，如果它为您担保，也欢迎您来。

　　A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

　　An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

　　3 Who Is the Laziest?

　　Father:Well,Tom,I asked to your teacher today,and now I want to ask you a question.Who is the laziest person in your class?

　　Tom:I don't know,father.

　　Father:Oh,yes,you do!Think!When other boys and girls are doing and writing,who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?

　　Tom:Our teacher,father.

　　中文：

　　父亲：哎,汤姆,今天我跟你们老师谈过,现在我想问你个问题.你们班上谁最懒?

　　汤姆：我不知道,爸爸.

　　父亲：啊,不对,你知道!想想看,当别的孩子们都在做作业、写字时,谁在课堂上坐着,只是看人家做功课?

　　汤姆：我们老师,爸爸.

　　4 Old Farmer Johnson was dying.The family was standing around his bed.With a low voice he said to his wife:"When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

　　Wife:"No,I can't marry anyone after you."

　　Johnson:"But I want you to."

　　Wife:"But why?"

　　Johnson:"Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

　　译文：

　　老农约翰逊就要死了.他的家人都站在床边.他声音低沉地对妻子说：“我死后,我想你嫁给农夫琼斯.”

　　妻子说：“不,在你死后,我不能嫁给任何人.”

　　约翰逊：“但我希望你这么做.”

　　妻子：“为什么?”

　　约翰逊：“因为琼斯曾在一笔贩马的交易中欺骗了我.”

　　5 I'm Trying to Stop It

　　"Boy,why have you got cotton-wool in your ear?Is it infected?"

　　"No,sir,but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other ,so I am trying to stop it."

　　“孩子,你为什么用棉花塞住耳朵?它感染了吗?”

　　“没有,老师.可是你昨天说你告诉我的知识都是一个耳朵里进,一个耳朵里出,所以我要把它堵在里面.”

　　6 Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract.Now,can anyone give me a good example?

　　John：Well ,in the summer the days are long,and in the winter the days are short.

　　老师：我们都知道热胀冷缩的道理.现在,谁给我举个例子?

　　约翰：嗯,在夏天天都长,在冬天天都短.

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