英语爆笑冷笑话
会讲笑话的人都是有好人缘的人，所以我们要多亲近一些笑话大王们。现在小编也来当笑话大王啦!小编给大家收集整理了英语爆笑冷笑话，一起来笑笑，收集好人缘吧!
篇一：英语爆笑冷笑话
A Boy with a Big Head(大头娃娃)
A boy cried to his mother, "All the children make fun of me. They say I have a big head."
"Don't listen to them," his mother said, "You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store to buy twenty pounds of patotoes."
"Where is the shopping bag?"
"I haven't got one-use your hat
I hung him up to dry
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Marypromptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
Jim和Mary都是精神病院里的病人。一天，他们沿着医院的游泳池散步，Jim突然跳入泳池的深水区，他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他，她潜到水底，把Jim拉了上来。
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office.
当院长听闻了Mary的英勇行为后，他立刻翻看了她的病历档案,把她叫进了自己的办公室.
"Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom，he's dead."
“Mary，我有一个好消息和一个坏消息要告诉你。好消息是你能跳入水中救其他病人，这说明你的意识已经恢复了，你可以出院了。坏消息就是，Jim，你救的那个病人，他还是用自己的浴袍带子在浴室上吊自杀了。”
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."
Mary说：“他没有自杀，是我把他吊起来好让他晾干。”
篇二：英语爆笑冷笑话
啬鬼请客
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝啬鬼请客
一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢?”
“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧?”吝啬鬼回答。
Your horse called 你的马打电话来了
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I bet on." Sheshrugs and walks away.
Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
一个家伙正在看报纸，他的'妻子走到他身后，用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺。他问道：“这是为什么?”她说：“我在你口袋里发现了一张写有‘Betty Sue’的纸条。”他说：“哎呀，亲爱的，‘Betty Sue’是我赌的那匹马的名字。”她耸了耸肩，走了。 三天后他正在看报纸，妻子走到他身后，又用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺。他问：“这又是为什么?”她答道：“你的马打电话来了。”
篇三：英语爆笑冷笑话
The Beat Salesman in the World
Harry saw an ad in a window. It said: "Wanted. The Best Sales- man in the World. Top Pay."
" I' m a great salesman." Harry told himself." I can sell anything. I'll go in and ask for that job."
He went into the building and spoke to the manager.
"I'm the best salesman in the world," he said. "Give me the job. "
"You must prove you're the best," the manager said.
"I'll pass every test you give me." Harry told him.
"Good."
The manager took a box of candy out of his desk .
"Last week, I bought a thousand boxes of this candy. If you can sell them all before the end of the week, you can have the job.
"That's easy," Harry said.
He took the box of candy and left the office.
Every day and all day, he went from shop to shop, trying to sell boxes of the candy .
He couldn't sell one.
The candy was so bad he couldn't even give it away.
At the end of the week he went back to the manager.
"I'm sorry, sir, " he said," I was wrong about myself . I'm not the best salesman in the world, but I know who is.
"Oh," said the manager. "Who?"
"The person who sold you a thousand boxes of this candy, " Harry said.
Dumas(仲马)
One day a man was taunting Alexandre Dumas，the greatFrench novelist，with hisancestry.
“Why，” snarled the fellow，“you are a quadroon;yourfather was a mulatto，and your grandfather was a negro.”
“Yes，” roared Dumas，“and，if you wish to know'mygreatgrandfather was a monkey. In fact， my pedigree beganwhere yours terminates.”
有一天，一个人在嘲弄法国大小说家亚历山大·仲马，讥笑他的祖先。
那家伙厉声说：“唔，你是四分之一黑白混血儿，你父亲是黑白混血儿，而你的祖父是个黑人。”
“是的，”仲马大声回敬：“还有呢，如果你想知道的话， 我的曾祖父是一只猴子。其实我的血统起始于你的血统终止的地方。”
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